He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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