our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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