The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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