If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
