Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
