It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
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Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
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I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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