I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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