I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think people are normalizing furries
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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