judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
