this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
