Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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