i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
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Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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