I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
