I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me