4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority