meet me or not, i'm out of control
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you