I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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