Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
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They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.