my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.