that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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