3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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