Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
