Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
