I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
