Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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