May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
