this beer tastes like vomit already
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
