I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
