Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
smell my finger.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
