I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
