Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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