Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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