Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
