Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
