MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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