Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
