Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
