She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
