I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
