This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
