I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
