Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
