I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
