what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
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I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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