clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
there is glitter all over my balls
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
