I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
