this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
