i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
