Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
