All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm passing your future prison.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
