Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
