Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
