I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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