he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
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You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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